Can’t remember what you’d planned to say?
June 25, 2010
Has this ever happened to you? You have an important presentation and you’ve done all your preparation. You don’t want to memorize the talk, but you also want to have a clear sense of what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. The morning of the talk you practice it in the shower and you’re really pleased with how it sounds. Then you get to the presentation and your mind goes blank. You can’t remember any of the beautifully crafted words that you had prepared earlier!
Something similar happened to me recently in writing an important email. I had an elaborate and rather complicated email which I had beautifully crafted in my mind while swimming laps for exercise. But when I sat down to actually write the email several hours later, I couldn’t remember a word of what I’d crafted in my mind.
I struggled for a while trying to recapture it, and then had to let it go and start from scratch by deciding to be real, direct and simple in my communication. In the long run, what I actually wrote was far better than what I had planned to write.
A couple of things stand out for me in this experience. The first is that when we get very attached to saying things a certain way, we actually create the conditions for forgetting what we have to say. Several years ago I wrote an article that expands on this idea which you can read by going to www.riverways.com/articles/tao-9.htm.
The other thing that I learned most specifically from this writing experience is that the best message when we allow ourselves to be real, simple and direct. So often, in coaching clients, I have to help them simplify their message. People tend to want to share everything they know and they cram way too much information into the short time they have to speak. They also think they need to be perfect and professional in their delivery, and so put on a persona and are not themselves.
My question to them always is, What’s the key message you want your audience to leave with? And, very simply, what are the key points that will help them understand that message? My coaching with them is then focused on how to convey that message in the simplest and most direct way possible. And, to just be themselves when they do the presentation.
The beauty of this approach is that whenever you find that you’ve forgotten what you were going to say, you can bring yourself back very quickly to the purpose of the talk by reminding yourself (and maybe your audience) of your primary message and remembering the simple key points that you wanted to be sure cover.
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Are you wondering how you can design talks that are simple, direct and effective? If so, check out my programs and services at www.riverways.com/programs.htm. Most specifically you might want to consider some private coaching to help you craft a message and delivery plan that will be easy to remember and effectively convey your message.
Recently I was driving to an appointment and running late. My mind was racing, my breath was shallow, my heartbeat was off the charts, and whenever I thought about it I realized that my muscles were clenched, I was leaning right up next to the steering wheel, and every cell in my body was urging the car to go faster.
At the same time, my logical brain was well aware that no matter how tense I was, how “uptight” I felt, I didn’t want to get a speeding ticket (which would have slowed me down even more). I also wanted to enter the meeting with a sense of relaxed confidence that simply wouldn’t have been possible if I stayed in that frantic, urgent state.
Stress and anxiety are characterized by speed and tension. Our thoughts, heartbeat, muscles and breathing all react to our sense of urgency, can run amok and derail any activity unless we take control.
But how do we do that?
Essentially every stress management strategy begins with our ability to slow down enough to become aware of the present moment. Once we are “here, now” we then have more access to our executive functioning and we’re able to make choices about how to calm ourselves down. Maybe it’s consciously relaxing and letting our muscles soften so that we stop feeling “uptight”. Maybe it’s taking a long, deep breath to entrain our internal rhythms to a slower pace. Maybe it’s taking a moment to really see what’s happening around us instead of being frantic with our urgent need to accomplish the next task.
Whichever strategy we use to slow ourselves down, we are helping to reduce our stress and heighten our sense of presence. Each of these strategies serve to immediately divert our attention from our anxious thoughts and bring us into the present moment.
But presence isn’t an end result, it’s a journey. Unfortunately, our mental chatter can be quite seductive and will, most likely, in very short order, return to its urgent spinning around our fear or anxiety.
So, we practice an intention to be more aware, to be able to step back from our thoughts and to return to the relative calm of the present moment. Over and over and over again… In time, we might begin to find that it’s easier to stay in the moment, easier to stay calm, and that we are much less driven by that sense of urgency.
As I was driving to my meeting, I let go of the need to be absolutely on time (although as it turned out, I was only a couple of minutes late). Whenever I noticed my interior world speed up (which happened with alarming frequency at first), I slowed my breathing, relaxed my muscles, sat back in my seat and let my mind become quiet. By the end of the half-hour drive, my heartbeat was no longer racing, my breath had deepened, my mind was clear and I was able to walk into the meeting with a relaxed sense of confidence.
This is the type of every day event that we all can relate to. In these anxious, uncertain, technology driven times, we are relentlessly besieged with a sense of urgency that can drive us to high levels of anxiety. But it’s actually in these ordinary life events that we have continuous opportunities to practice presence so that when we encounter situations where the stakes are high, we can skillfully regain our balance, equanimity and sense of well-being.
*****
As a Public Speaking Presence Coach, I offer one and two day small group coaching programs, private coaching and in-house trainings on how to speak and lead with confidence, authenticity and presence. Check out my website, www.riverways.com, for my calendar of events and information on my programs.
The power of a smile
April 30, 2010
Do you have an inner critic who finds fault with everything you do?
I do, and she can be especially loud when I have been less than perfect. And, it seems most everyone else has the same issue.
Yesterday I had two separate conversations with friends who each felt badly because of something they had said or done. They were both feeling a fair amount of anxiety because of this. As I listened to them I was reminded once again of how we need to find ways to quiet that inner critic and to be kind to ourselves.
We can be so hard on ourselves!
Lately, I’ve been playing with the power of smiling. I’m not talking about an overt grin, just a gentle inner smile which doesn’t even have to be visible to the outside world. I’ve found that anytime I notice that my critic is hard at work, I consciously change my expression so that I have the experience of smiling.
It’s amazing just how much that simple act can change the chemistry in my body. In that moment my mood lightens and my perspective changes. I stop taking myself so seriously and find that life is much more fun.
The inner critic is intent on demanding perfection, especially when we speak to an audience. But we are all only human. We make mistakes.
Smiling helps us celebrate our humanity. It reminds us to be gentle with ourselves, to be kind to ourselves, and to be more accepting of who we really are. When we don’t take ourselves too seriously, our audiences gravitate to our authenticity.
The simple act of smiling will make life feel much less stressful and speaking much more fun!
What do fear of public speaking, trauma, and yoga have in common
February 23, 2010
I had a conversation with a colleague today about how much I incorporate yoga practices in the coaching I do with my public speaking clients and it reminded me of this article, which I wrote back in 2008. I thought readers of this blog might be interested and so here it is:
In 2008 I attended a conference on Yoga and Trauma. Why? Because I had been working with a group of inner city teenagers who wanted to speak out against gang violence. I was interested in developing more adequate techniques for helping them speak with presence while living with the trauma of violence in their daily lives.
What I found most interesting at this conference was the unexpected similarities between trauma and the fear of public speaking. It seems that when traumatized, different parts of the brain don’t work together, so that the person:
Feels scattered, confused and unable to focus attention- Finds it difficult to take in new information
- Is unable to experience what’s happening the present moment
Does this sound familiar? To me this is what many people report when they are in the throes of the fear of public speaking!
I’ve also heard that neuroscientists often use an experience of public speaking as a baseline for determining levels of stress in a subject.
It seems that fear of any sort throws our brains into a state of chaos. What works best to quiet the fear is to calm the nervous system so that all its parts are working together in harmony. If trauma and public speaking fear essentially cause the same kind of neurological disorder, then perhaps we can look at what has worked in treating trauma to help reduce the anxiety and stress associated with speaking.
Current neurological research is showing that ongoing contemplative practices such as yoga, meditation, and tai chi help to bring people back to the present moment and by doing so help to quiet and stabilize the nervous system. It seems that these practices not only work to quiet the mind in the moment, but also have a long-term impact on our well-being when practiced regularly by strengthening those parts of the brain that inhibit fear and increase self-awareness and our ability to consciously chose how to respond in the moment.
Why is this relevant to people interested in reducing anxiety and enhancing their speaking presence? You might want to consider taking a yoga or tai chi class or begin a daily meditation practice as part of your efforts to become the speaker you’d like to be. In fact, much to their surprise, I often find myself recommending this to my clients.
Lessons from a lint filter, water bottle and electric toothbrush
February 17, 2010
Somehow, as much as I’m trying to slow down and simplify my life, I always seem to be in a hurry.
Every time I do my laundry I’m reminded that hurrying through my tasks isn’t the most efficient way to get things done. I always seem to want to quickly empty the lint filter in my dryer before starting a new load of wet clothes. But this filter needs a gentle touch and doesn’t move easily when I try to pull it out in a hurry. Almost every time, after my first aborted attempt, I have to take a breath, get loose, slow down and softly lift the filter out of its frame. I can’t force it out or do it fast.
I have a stainless steel water bottle that I take to yoga class with me. I love the color and shape, but the top is a problem. I can unscrew it easily, but it requires a lot of focused attention when I try to screw the top back on. It goes off track very easily and this is a problem for me when I’m trying not to take too much time out of my yoga practice. I’ve found that I have to consider the act of taking a drink of water another posture, if you will, and to have the same quality of soft attention as I do every other posture in the class.
I’ve learned something similar from my electric toothbrush, which from old patterns with manual tooth brushes, I automatically apply pressure and move the brush up and down in rapid motions as soon as I turn it on. The speed and pressure of this gesture is really counter-productive when the toothbrush is already doing it for me. Invariably, I have to remind myself to relax my grip and slow my brushing motion down so that the electric brush can do the work.
The ability to slow down and be gentle with ourselves is key when we feel especially anxious prior to or during a presentation. This anxiety is especially apparent when the speaker is working too hard, pushing out his/her content, and talking very fast.
Instead of reacting to the urgent anxiety that causes people to speed up, my clients learn to slow down, take a breath, soften their internal environment and relax into their connection with the audience and their content. This most often requires that they take a figurative step back and loosen their grip on themselves and their material.
I often suggest to clients that they use the mantras “Soften into the talk” or “Rest in the relationship” as a way to release the anxiety and find the conversational tone that can be so effective. As I write this, I’m reminded of a Haiku poem that I wrote years ago to help people discover this softened state:
Gaze resting gently
Listening to the river
Essence to essence
If we allow our gaze to rest gently on our audience, our content and ourselves, we establish a way of being that is much less about pushing and much more about relaxing and receiving.
The idea of “listening to the river” conveys that quiet center we all have within us where we can attend both to our internal and external world and receive rather than drive our content.
“Essence to essence” speaks to the ability to speak humbly from the simplicity of who we are as human beings to the essential human beings in our audience.
This Haiku can provide a steady reminder to help us slow down, to stop pushing, to stop trying so hard to make something happen, and to simply allow. And, from that place, we can be so much more effective as speakers.
Openings… The biggest stumbling block
December 16, 2009
“The first few moments of a presentation always terrify me.”
“I know my subject really well and know what I want to say, I just don’t know how to get started.”
“If the first few minutes go well, then I relax for the rest of the talk.”
Statements like these are almost universal. It seems that for almost everyone, how they open a talk causes a great deal of anxiety.
And, when you think of it, these first few moments are daunting. As presenters, we have to accomplish several important tasks very quickly. We have to relax, establish our credibility, engage our audience, and introduce our topic. We have to overcome whatever inertia the audience is feeling having come from some other activity and mental focus. And, we have to do all this despite whatever level of anxiety we have been experiencing building up to the presentation.
In general, jumping right into your talk is preferable to starting with what I call “fluff”; eg., “My name is…” or “Thank you for inviting me to speak…” or “I’m delighted to be here today…” None of these opening gambits will grab your audience nor will they help you relax as a speaker.
In my work with private clients, I’ve found that once we’ve thought through the opening of a talk, everything else begins to fall into place. And for each person, the opening might be different.
For some people a good opening might be to plant their feet before they begin and to feel their ground. For others, it might be to begin talking while walking up to the front of the room. For still others, standing silently to help them connect with the audience before speaking might be the perfect approach. Personal stories often help loosen up both the speaker and the audience. Humor is good for some people, but not for others.
Regardless of the approach, if you’re feeling anxious about a presentation, then what you do to open your talk should especially be designed to help you relax, and as you do so your audience will come along. The rest of the talk can then be for the audience, but the opening is for you. Openings are your opportunity to move from “arrows in” to “arrows out” and to set the tone for your “conversation” with the audience. Ironically, by taking care of yourself, you will also be more successful in engaging the audience.
Speaking with both feet on the ground
November 7, 2009
Several weeks ago I gave a workshop on this topic with the intention of, for the first time, beginning to clarify what I mean by the phrase “embodied presence”. Here is some of the thinking that went into the workshop.
Where we put our attention, that’s where energy goes. This is probably the core principle of embodied presence. When we are anxious all our attention is focused on the thoughts that are fueling the fires of the anxiety. All our energy is concentrated in our minds, and we end up having an “out of body” experience. This is especially true when the fear of public speaking flares up.
If we can divert our attention, even for a moment, away from all that thinking, we can then lessen the experience of anxiety. The best way that I know of to change the direction of energy is to fully occupy ourselves, to be more aware of all of our experience as physical beings, not just thinking beings. This means to drop our awareness down into our physical experience: feeling our feet on the ground, coming into our center of energy in our bellies, staying loose and easy, noticing physical sensations. All these practices serve to divert energy away from anxious thoughts and bring us more fully present in the moment.
There is a difference between self-consciousness and consciousness of self. When we are self-conscious, all our attention is focused on our concerns about how we look and how people will respond to us. When we are conscious of ourselves, our focus has dropped into a more holistic sense of self which, paradoxically, frees us up to be more available to others. When we speak, then, we can focus more on how we can be of service to our audience, rather focusing entirely on how we will be of service to ourselves.
I have found that yoga, tai chi, authentic movement and meditation are all practices that help me stay present in my body. And, I use these practices to help the people in my courses speak “with both feet on the ground”.
Self-consciousness vs. Presence
October 30, 2009
In response to David’s comment to my last post about fear arising not at the beginning of a talk but rather 3 or 4 minutes into the talk, I thought I’d share the first article in a 26 week article series I’ve written entitled The ABCs of Presence in Speaking, Leading, and Life! This first article explores the what happens when we become self-conscious and compares it with presence. Here’s the article:
A is for… Arrows of Attention
Recently I had the privilege of watching a lovely young woman at her high school graduation party as she performed a modern dance she had choreographed. A living room had been cleared and we were all sitting and standing within five feet of her “stage.” Not an easy place to perform because the scrutiny was so close!
She was quite remarkable and maintained a strong connection with her movement, the music and the emotional tone of the dance throughout her performance. Only occasionally did I notice that she became self-conscious and in those brief moments, the sense of presence I experienced dropped away, and instead I saw a young woman feeling a bit awkward.
This was fascinating for me because it so clearly marked the distinction between self-consciousness and presence. When we are self-conscious, when the direction, or arrows, of attention are directed towards ourselves, we often feel awkward, clumsy, and we feel a sense of separation from the outside world. When we are really present, we are fully engaged in the activity of the moment, our arrows of attention are directed away from our ego, and we no longer feel separate, alone, afraid.
This is especially true when we speak in public. So often, we become self-absorbed and fearful about looking inept, making mistakes or forgetting what we planned to say. If, instead, we turn our arrows of awareness towards the people in our audience, becoming open to receiving them, and being genuinely curious about them, we lose that self-consciousness and drop into a shared place with our audience that better serves them (and ourselves).
A is for… Arrows of Attention
Recently I had the privilege of watching a lovely young woman at her high school graduation party as she performed a modern dance she had choreographed. A living room had been cleared and we were all sitting and standing within five feet of her “stage.” Not an easy place to perform because the scrutiny was so close!
She was quite remarkable and maintained a strong connection with her movement, the music and the emotional tone of the dance throughout her performance. Only occasionally did I notice that she became self-conscious and in those brief moments, the sense of presence I experienced dropped away, and instead I saw a young woman feeling a bit awkward.
This was fascinating for me because it so clearly marked the distinction between self-consciousness and presence. When we are self-conscious, when the direction, or arrows, of attention are directed towards ourselves, we often feel awkward, clumsy, and we feel a sense of separation from the outside world. When we are really present, we are fully engaged in the activity of the moment, our arrows of attention are directed away from our ego, and we no longer feel separate, alone, afraid.
This is especially true when we speak in public. So often, we become self-absorbed and fearful about looking inept, making mistakes or forgetting what we planned to say. If, instead, we turn our arrows of awareness towards the people in our audience, becoming open to receiving them, and being genuinely curious about them, we lose that self-consciousness and drop into a shared place with our audience that better serves them (and ourselves).
Fear of the first few minutes in public speaking
September 29, 2009
I swim for exercise. I swim in pools that are kept relatively cool so that lap swimmers don’t overheat when they work up a “sweat”.
This means that it’s always hard to get into the pool at the beginning of my swim. Once I’ve been in the water for even one lap, the chill wears off and the temperature feels fine, but the anticipation of diving into cold water always makes it hard.
I’ve found that I’m much better off just not thinking about the water temperature ahead of time. This is especially true as I’m getting ready to leave home on a cold and snowy winter morning because I’ll never get to the pool if I think at all about the cold water awaiting me.
Transitions are always hard. Getting into the cold water is one example. Moving from one project to the next is another. Arriving at a party is another. And, starting a presentation is classic!
Probably the most common statement I get from my public speaking clients is “If I can just get over the first few minutes I’m fine.” Most often, it’s the accumulated anxiety in anticipation of a presentation and the surge of nervous adrenalin when we first get up to speak that make those first few moments so miserable. In fact, many highly capable and talented people opt out of important speaking engagements simply because they dread those first few moments.
It helps to look at these moments from the perspective of transitions. In fact, our brains are designed to automatically become more alert when we move from the status quo, what is known and comfortable, into a new situation.
This is because it’s in those moments that the most primitive structures in the brain must determine if our survival is at stake. If danger is detected, signals get sent that trigger the fight, flight, freeze or appease response and we experience the sweaty palms, rapid heart, and racing thoughts that so often characterize the fear of public speaking. But if it seems that we are safe, there’s no threat, then essentially that primitive brain goes back to sleep and we can go on with our business without interference.
This entire sequence of events is engaged whenever we encounter a moment of transition. And, if we can simply take the process in stride, recognizing that it’s a natural part of our reaction to change, we then simply ride the waves of the anxiety without getting too attached to the feelings, knowing that it will eventually pass.
The problem for many speakers is that they mistake this heightened state of alertness for fear. And, fear begets more fear, feeding off itself, until it becomes intolerable.
To a certain extent, getting over the fear of public speaking is really about getting out of our own way and staying in the present moment.
When I get ready to go swimming I don’t focus on the temperature of the water. I do focus on how much I enjoy swimming and how good the water feels by about the third lap. Then I stay in the present moment. I just take one step at a time. I take the shower to wash off before going to the pool’s edge. I put on my bathing cap. I put on my goggles. And, then just as I put my legs in the water I jump in. I don’t linger, giving the fear its head. Instead, I just go. The first length is cold, but then I start to feel my stride (or stroke) and I’m in the flow and loving the water.
The same is true with public speaking. Instead of putting our attention on our fear and all that can go wrong, we focus on the key message we want to make and why it’s important. We then stay present with what’s happening in the moment. We say hello to people as we enter the room. We focus on the person announcing us. We feel our feet on the ground. Whenever we feel anxious, we simply take whatever next step is upon us. We don’t let the anxiety take control of us. We simply say to ourselves…. “Ah… there you are, just as I expected.” And we don’t attach to it. We don’t give it power. And, as we begin to speak, and settle into the rhythm of our interaction with the audience, the anxiety begins to diminish, eventually melting away, leaving us to fully enjoy our time in front of the group.
Contemplative practices reduce anxiety
April 4, 2009
Several weeks ago, I gave a talk with Dr. Sara Lazar, neuroscientist and researcher at Mass General Hospital, a Harvard teaching hospital. Sara’s research is centered on changes in brain structures that result from meditation and yoga.
Her results are very interesting! Basically they show that regular awareness (or contemplative) practices like yoga and meditation thicken those parts of the brain that have to do with self-awareness, well-being and embodied presence and decrease the size of those parts of the brain that are most active when we feel anxious.
Now, those of us who do any of these practices on a regular basis already know this from experience. Personally, I’ve certainly recognized that after 20 years of meditating, doing yoga and practicing tai chi (another contemplative practice not currently part of Sara’s research), my general state of anxiety has significantly decreased.
This became very clear to me several years ago when I stopped my daily practices for about 3 months because of some health issues. I began to notice that a background level of agitation which had been so present when I was younger was beginning to resurface. It was only then that I realized just how much calmer I had become because of my daily contemplative practices.
A common principle that runs at the core of each of these contemplative practices is “Where we put our attention, that’s where energy flows.” If we become preoccupied with our anxious thoughts, we actually strengthen our anxiety. If, instead, we focus on our breath, the contact we make with the ground, a mantra (a calming phrase), or any other anchor for our attention, we begin to quiet the mind and become more present.
So, how can we apply this understanding to reducing the anxiety that comes from public speaking? I think there are two ways to support ourselves through contemplative practices.
First is to commit to some minimal degree of daily awareness practices. Many of my clients start out with 5 minutes a day of simple meditation (I might do another post some day on developing a meditation practice to support your public speaking). Meditating on a regular basis, even in very short increments like this, can help to calm that sense of floating anxiety that might always be there in the background.
The second is to practice what I call a relational meditation whenever you speak, whether it be at the dinner table with your family, in the check-out line at the grocery store, on a phone call, in a meeting with your colleagues, or in a formal presentation. Rather than focusing on the situational anxiety that can arise in a stressful speaking situation, we focus on our audience, asking ourselves how can we be of service to the people in our audience. In effect, we anchor our attention on the relationship and not on our anxiety. Paradoxically, this can help calm us down, steady us, and help us be more fully present in the moment and responsive to the needs of our audience.
By strengthening our self-awareness through our daily practices, and then regularly anchoring our attention on our audience when we speak , I believe we are actually making changes to the structure of our nervous system that can have a long term impact on our degree of comfort speaking in public.
