Absence: The Number One Obstacle to Presence
January 10, 2012
I was at a team meeting recently where a group of us were talking about the leadership training program in an organization employing about 275 people. One person in the group asked the CEO, “What’s the opposite of leadership?” The CEO without any hesitation immediately said, “Absence!”
How interesting! I was intrigued by this view of leadership because I often think of absence being the opposite of presence. It made me start to wonder if presence and leadership are synonymous.
One way to compare absence and presence is to examine the distinction between self-consciousness and consciousness-of-self. When we are self-conscious, we often feel awkward, clumsy and alone, with a sense of separation (or absence) from the outside world. When we are really present, we are quite aware of ourselves in a balanced way as we fully engage in the activity of the moment and we connect to those around us so that we no longer feel separate, alone, afraid.
This is especially true when we speak in public or take on a leadership role. When we are anxious, we become self-absorbed and fearful about looking inept, making mistakes or forgetting what we planned to say. If, instead, we stay aware of ourselves as we focus our attention outward, placing a priority on the people in our audience, becoming open to receiving them, being genuinely curious about them, and thinking about how we can be of service to them, we lose that self-consciousness, we are in-the-moment, and we can then drop into a shared, collective place with our audience. This is being fully present!
Think about a presentation you’ve done when you didn’t feel you were as present as you know you can be, then complete the Obstacles to Presence Check List. You’ll notice that many of these obstacles reflect either an absence from the immediate situation or a degree of self-consciousness.
A Conversation About Presence
August 2, 2011
This SpeakingPresence blog addresses the experience of presence in speaking through articles I write. I have a second blog, RevealedPresence, that explores presence through photographs and questions. Last month, Rabbi Jordan Rosenberg asked me the following question in a comment on that blog:
I am curious about what you mean by presence? Is it more or different than mindfulness? What is the source of the ‘presence’? Internal? External? Human? Divine?
This seemed a pretty fundamental question, so after some thought I wrote a response in a comment on that blog. Rabbi Rosenberg and I have emailed about ways to keep this conversation going and we’ve decide to cross-post on our respective blogs. I’ve moved the entire conversation to a blog post on that site and thought I’d share the link on this blog because my response is so relevant to the subject of this blog. You can read the entire conversation by following this link. I welcome any comments that people would like to make as a contribution to this conversation…
The first ingredient of rapport is full attention
December 31, 2010
I was listening to an interview today with Daniel Goleman, who, having previously introduced the concept of Emotional Intelligence, is now talking about Social Intelligence. His current work is looking at how the brain is wired to create connection. The sentence that drew me into the interview today was, “The first ingredient of rapport is full attention.”
“Where we put our attention, that’s where energy goes.” This is a statement that comes out of the Eastern contemplative traditions. In any speaking situation there are always multiple demands on our attention. Often it’s our own fear that commands the most attention. But, if we focus on our fear, we actually amplify it because that’s where all our energy goes.
Instead, what we need to attend to is what we want to say, to the technology we are using to deliver our talk, to the questions that are being asked, to the outcomes we want. Most importantly, though, where we really need to focus our attention is on making a connection with our audience.
When I ask participants in my groups to describe the qualities of people who they’ve experienced as having a great deal of speaking presence, one of the most frequent responses is that they felt as though they were the only person in the room and the speaker was speaking directly to them. This is what happens when the speaker gives their full and primary attention on the individuals in the audience. And, this is what then conveys the experience of rapport.
But how can we create that sense of attunement when there are so many competing demands for our attention?
We allow ourselves to relax into the connection by speaking directly to one person at a time using a soft available, receptive, inviting gaze. The gaze doesn’t have to be long, but it does have to be deliberate. We have to give each person our full attention, however briefly. We have to really see the individuals we are speaking to, not the “crowd”. I often tell participants to think of having a cup of coffee with each person in the audience as they address their comments directly to one person at a time.
When we speak with this quality of full attention, we actually slow down our internal rhythms which then help us to relax. At the same time, our audience is drawn in and feels a sense of rapport, of connection, of being fully attuned with the speaker. These conditions, then, increase the probability that people will listen more fully, attend more fully, to what we are saying. And, paradoxically, this then makes it easy for us to concurrently pay attention to all the other things we must focus on as speakers.
Returning to the familiar
December 31, 2010
Having just returned from a holiday visit with family, I’m well aware of how unsettling it can be to break out of the routines that are part of the normal patterns of our day-to-day life. To help manage these kinds of disruptions, my yoga teacher this morning reminded us of the benefits of returning to what is familiar.
Activities that are familiar help to center us, to ground us, to bring us back to ourselves. For people who have a regular yoga practice, the familiar means to return to the yoga mat, over and over and over. It also means to return to an awareness of the breath as well as a gentle attention on physical sensations in the body.
For many of us, an important speaking event can create the same kind of internal chaos that often accompanies the disruption of routine that the holidays present. Our normal schedule is disrupted as we prepare for the talk, deal with all the accompanying anxiety, and then actually deliver a talk. So the question is, how do we return to what’s most familiar in the midst of this kind of pressure?
My clients are often surprised when I suggest that they will get the most out of our work together if they practice some simple relaxation/presencing tools in their ordinary non-stressful daily activities. They come to me expecting that we are going to do a lot of speaking (and they do have multiple opportunities to speak), but they don’t expect that we are first going to focus on simple breathing and body awareness techniques to help them get centered.
In my groups we first practice quieting the mind and becoming centered through attention to our breath. We repeat this practice frequently during the course of our time together. After a while, clients begin to do this automatically and don’t have to be reminded. It becomes a familiar routine that can then be accessed under highly stressful situations. The routine itself is relaxing as is the familiarity with the routine.
I then introduce a grounding practice: To feel their connection to the ground and find their “roots”. For more on how to do this, read this earlier post on this blog. This has the effect of bringing us back to the present moment and fully occupying our physical selves. We can engage this quality of awareness either sitting or standing and can practice it in any situation — talking on the phone, walking from one room to another, standing in line at the grocery store. By practicing this awareness frequently in ordinary life situations, it, again, becomes familiar and something that can be easily accessed under stress. And, again, simply returning to this familiar practice will create a sense of balance and presence.
And, I tell them that by practicing these techniques in their day-to-day activities, these vehicles for feeling centered and relaxed will become familiar, and, therefore, more accessible when they are standing in front of a group making an important presentation.
The benefit of a conscious, regular, but simple practice of presence is that it becomes so familiar that just the act of evoking that practice will help to create a sense that where there was disorder, there is now order. The simple practices described in this article have the added value of also being relaxing in and of themselves and so can serve as easy vehicles for creating a sense of order and balance whether you are speaking to one person or a thousand.
Can’t remember what you’d planned to say?
June 25, 2010
Has this ever happened to you? You have an important presentation and you’ve done all your preparation. You don’t want to memorize the talk, but you also want to have a clear sense of what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. The morning of the talk you practice it in the shower and you’re really pleased with how it sounds. Then you get to the presentation and your mind goes blank. You can’t remember any of the beautifully crafted words that you had prepared earlier!
Something similar happened to me recently in writing an important email. I had an elaborate and rather complicated email which I had beautifully crafted in my mind while swimming laps for exercise. But when I sat down to actually write the email several hours later, I couldn’t remember a word of what I’d crafted in my mind.
I struggled for a while trying to recapture it, and then had to let it go and start from scratch by deciding to be real, direct and simple in my communication. In the long run, what I actually wrote was far better than what I had planned to write.
A couple of things stand out for me in this experience. The first is that when we get very attached to saying things a certain way, we actually create the conditions for forgetting what we have to say. Several years ago I wrote an article that expands on this idea which you can read by going to www.riverways.com/articles/tao-9.htm.
The other thing that I learned most specifically from this writing experience is that the best message when we allow ourselves to be real, simple and direct. So often, in coaching clients, I have to help them simplify their message. People tend to want to share everything they know and they cram way too much information into the short time they have to speak. They also think they need to be perfect and professional in their delivery, and so put on a persona and are not themselves.
My question to them always is, What’s the key message you want your audience to leave with? And, very simply, what are the key points that will help them understand that message? My coaching with them is then focused on how to convey that message in the simplest and most direct way possible. And, to just be themselves when they do the presentation.
The beauty of this approach is that whenever you find that you’ve forgotten what you were going to say, you can bring yourself back very quickly to the purpose of the talk by reminding yourself (and maybe your audience) of your primary message and remembering the simple key points that you wanted to be sure cover.
*****
Are you wondering how you can design talks that are simple, direct and effective? If so, check out my programs and services at www.riverways.com/programs.htm. Most specifically you might want to consider some private coaching to help you craft a message and delivery plan that will be easy to remember and effectively convey your message.
Recently I was driving to an appointment and running late. My mind was racing, my breath was shallow, my heartbeat was off the charts, and whenever I thought about it I realized that my muscles were clenched, I was leaning right up next to the steering wheel, and every cell in my body was urging the car to go faster.
At the same time, my logical brain was well aware that no matter how tense I was, how “uptight” I felt, I didn’t want to get a speeding ticket (which would have slowed me down even more). I also wanted to enter the meeting with a sense of relaxed confidence that simply wouldn’t have been possible if I stayed in that frantic, urgent state.
Stress and anxiety are characterized by speed and tension. Our thoughts, heartbeat, muscles and breathing all react to our sense of urgency, can run amok and derail any activity unless we take control.
But how do we do that?
Essentially every stress management strategy begins with our ability to slow down enough to become aware of the present moment. Once we are “here, now” we then have more access to our executive functioning and we’re able to make choices about how to calm ourselves down. Maybe it’s consciously relaxing and letting our muscles soften so that we stop feeling “uptight”. Maybe it’s taking a long, deep breath to entrain our internal rhythms to a slower pace. Maybe it’s taking a moment to really see what’s happening around us instead of being frantic with our urgent need to accomplish the next task.
Whichever strategy we use to slow ourselves down, we are helping to reduce our stress and heighten our sense of presence. Each of these strategies serve to immediately divert our attention from our anxious thoughts and bring us into the present moment.
But presence isn’t an end result, it’s a journey. Unfortunately, our mental chatter can be quite seductive and will, most likely, in very short order, return to its urgent spinning around our fear or anxiety.
So, we practice an intention to be more aware, to be able to step back from our thoughts and to return to the relative calm of the present moment. Over and over and over again… In time, we might begin to find that it’s easier to stay in the moment, easier to stay calm, and that we are much less driven by that sense of urgency.
As I was driving to my meeting, I let go of the need to be absolutely on time (although as it turned out, I was only a couple of minutes late). Whenever I noticed my interior world speed up (which happened with alarming frequency at first), I slowed my breathing, relaxed my muscles, sat back in my seat and let my mind become quiet. By the end of the half-hour drive, my heartbeat was no longer racing, my breath had deepened, my mind was clear and I was able to walk into the meeting with a relaxed sense of confidence.
This is the type of every day event that we all can relate to. In these anxious, uncertain, technology driven times, we are relentlessly besieged with a sense of urgency that can drive us to high levels of anxiety. But it’s actually in these ordinary life events that we have continuous opportunities to practice presence so that when we encounter situations where the stakes are high, we can skillfully regain our balance, equanimity and sense of well-being.
*****
As a Public Speaking Presence Coach, I offer one and two day small group coaching programs, private coaching and in-house trainings on how to speak and lead with confidence, authenticity and presence. Check out my website, www.riverways.com, for my calendar of events and information on my programs.
Coming to your senses: Tune in to calm down
May 1, 2010
Recently I’ve been asked to do a series of stress management programs rather than pure public speaking programs. I think this is a reflection of the level of anxiety present in our world today. Since all my speaking programs are focused on helping people find their calm center, I’ve found it easy to re-cast my material to help people manage a general level of stress.
With that in mind, I’m posting a few articles to this blog that speak to general stress management as well as speaking. Here’s one…
Spring is a perfect time to develop a sensory presence practice. Here are some simple strategies for calming down and managing your stress.
Sight: By simply stopping long enough to really see the budding trees or watch the geese flying overhead you’ll change your experience of time and in that moment you’ll find yourself calmer, more relaxed and less anxious.
Sound: Can you hear the distinct calls of the birds as they return from their winter homes? Do you know what kind of bird that is? Being curious about what’s happening in the moment takes you away from your cares and worries.
Touch: As the weather turns warm, whenever you think of it, stop long enough to feel the breezes on your skin. It doesn’t take long, just pause as you leave your house, as you get in your car, as you walk with friends.
Smell: What are your favorite smells of spring? New mulch being laid down? The warm, earthy smell of damp soil? The fresh and subtle fragrance of flower opening from the bud. Set an intention for yourself to pay attention to the smells of spring.
Taste: Take a moment to simply savor the pure sweetness of maple syrup, either by itself or on a hot stack of pancakes.
None of these take longer than a few seconds, but each serves to bring you back to the present moment.You might find that one or two senses are more compelling for you. Savor those the most.
Every moment counts.
Any moment counts!
*****
Are you wondering how you could savor each moment so that you are relaxed and fully present when you are communicating with others, whether it be a friend or colleague, in a meeting or in a formal presentation? If so, check out my programs and services at www.riverways.com/programs.htm. Simple presence practices like these can make all the difference in your confidence and in the way you connect with your audience and engage them with your content.
The power of a smile
April 30, 2010
Do you have an inner critic who finds fault with everything you do?
I do, and she can be especially loud when I have been less than perfect. And, it seems most everyone else has the same issue.
Yesterday I had two separate conversations with friends who each felt badly because of something they had said or done. They were both feeling a fair amount of anxiety because of this. As I listened to them I was reminded once again of how we need to find ways to quiet that inner critic and to be kind to ourselves.
We can be so hard on ourselves!
Lately, I’ve been playing with the power of smiling. I’m not talking about an overt grin, just a gentle inner smile which doesn’t even have to be visible to the outside world. I’ve found that anytime I notice that my critic is hard at work, I consciously change my expression so that I have the experience of smiling.
It’s amazing just how much that simple act can change the chemistry in my body. In that moment my mood lightens and my perspective changes. I stop taking myself so seriously and find that life is much more fun.
The inner critic is intent on demanding perfection, especially when we speak to an audience. But we are all only human. We make mistakes.
Smiling helps us celebrate our humanity. It reminds us to be gentle with ourselves, to be kind to ourselves, and to be more accepting of who we really are. When we don’t take ourselves too seriously, our audiences gravitate to our authenticity.
The simple act of smiling will make life feel much less stressful and speaking much more fun!
What do fear of public speaking, trauma, and yoga have in common
February 23, 2010
I had a conversation with a colleague today about how much I incorporate yoga practices in the coaching I do with my public speaking clients and it reminded me of this article, which I wrote back in 2008. I thought readers of this blog might be interested and so here it is:
In 2008 I attended a conference on Yoga and Trauma. Why? Because I had been working with a group of inner city teenagers who wanted to speak out against gang violence. I was interested in developing more adequate techniques for helping them speak with presence while living with the trauma of violence in their daily lives.
What I found most interesting at this conference was the unexpected similarities between trauma and the fear of public speaking. It seems that when traumatized, different parts of the brain don’t work together, so that the person:
Feels scattered, confused and unable to focus attention- Finds it difficult to take in new information
- Is unable to experience what’s happening the present moment
Does this sound familiar? To me this is what many people report when they are in the throes of the fear of public speaking!
I’ve also heard that neuroscientists often use an experience of public speaking as a baseline for determining levels of stress in a subject.
It seems that fear of any sort throws our brains into a state of chaos. What works best to quiet the fear is to calm the nervous system so that all its parts are working together in harmony. If trauma and public speaking fear essentially cause the same kind of neurological disorder, then perhaps we can look at what has worked in treating trauma to help reduce the anxiety and stress associated with speaking.
Current neurological research is showing that ongoing contemplative practices such as yoga, meditation, and tai chi help to bring people back to the present moment and by doing so help to quiet and stabilize the nervous system. It seems that these practices not only work to quiet the mind in the moment, but also have a long-term impact on our well-being when practiced regularly by strengthening those parts of the brain that inhibit fear and increase self-awareness and our ability to consciously chose how to respond in the moment.
Why is this relevant to people interested in reducing anxiety and enhancing their speaking presence? You might want to consider taking a yoga or tai chi class or begin a daily meditation practice as part of your efforts to become the speaker you’d like to be. In fact, much to their surprise, I often find myself recommending this to my clients.
Lessons from a lint filter, water bottle and electric toothbrush
February 17, 2010
Somehow, as much as I’m trying to slow down and simplify my life, I always seem to be in a hurry.
Every time I do my laundry I’m reminded that hurrying through my tasks isn’t the most efficient way to get things done. I always seem to want to quickly empty the lint filter in my dryer before starting a new load of wet clothes. But this filter needs a gentle touch and doesn’t move easily when I try to pull it out in a hurry. Almost every time, after my first aborted attempt, I have to take a breath, get loose, slow down and softly lift the filter out of its frame. I can’t force it out or do it fast.
I have a stainless steel water bottle that I take to yoga class with me. I love the color and shape, but the top is a problem. I can unscrew it easily, but it requires a lot of focused attention when I try to screw the top back on. It goes off track very easily and this is a problem for me when I’m trying not to take too much time out of my yoga practice. I’ve found that I have to consider the act of taking a drink of water another posture, if you will, and to have the same quality of soft attention as I do every other posture in the class.
I’ve learned something similar from my electric toothbrush, which from old patterns with manual tooth brushes, I automatically apply pressure and move the brush up and down in rapid motions as soon as I turn it on. The speed and pressure of this gesture is really counter-productive when the toothbrush is already doing it for me. Invariably, I have to remind myself to relax my grip and slow my brushing motion down so that the electric brush can do the work.
The ability to slow down and be gentle with ourselves is key when we feel especially anxious prior to or during a presentation. This anxiety is especially apparent when the speaker is working too hard, pushing out his/her content, and talking very fast.
Instead of reacting to the urgent anxiety that causes people to speed up, my clients learn to slow down, take a breath, soften their internal environment and relax into their connection with the audience and their content. This most often requires that they take a figurative step back and loosen their grip on themselves and their material.
I often suggest to clients that they use the mantras “Soften into the talk” or “Rest in the relationship” as a way to release the anxiety and find the conversational tone that can be so effective. As I write this, I’m reminded of a Haiku poem that I wrote years ago to help people discover this softened state:
Gaze resting gently
Listening to the river
Essence to essence
If we allow our gaze to rest gently on our audience, our content and ourselves, we establish a way of being that is much less about pushing and much more about relaxing and receiving.
The idea of “listening to the river” conveys that quiet center we all have within us where we can attend both to our internal and external world and receive rather than drive our content.
“Essence to essence” speaks to the ability to speak humbly from the simplicity of who we are as human beings to the essential human beings in our audience.
This Haiku can provide a steady reminder to help us slow down, to stop pushing, to stop trying so hard to make something happen, and to simply allow. And, from that place, we can be so much more effective as speakers.
