About making mistakes, being human, and connecting
January 22, 2010
I had the pleasure last night of being invited to a small dinner party for two extraordinary young performing artists who are touring the US from Europe. Carolina Ullrich and her pianist, Marcelo Amaral, will be performing tonight at the Paramount Theatre in Rutland, Vermont. After playing the Paramount, Carolina, who has just won the Alice Rosner Foundation First Prize in the 2008-09 Young Concert Artists International Auditions, will debut in New York City and Washington DC.
Our dinner conversation was fascinating. So much of what we talked about relates to presence, not just for performing artists but for speakers as well.
Marcelo spoke about the process of being recorded for a CD. He said that in a recording all the human mistakes are eliminated so that all we hear is the perfection of the performer. But the truth is that all performers make mistakes in their live performances. And that the experience of a live performance is far richer than the perfection that comes from a sound studio recording.
There’s something really important here for speakers. What often creates the most anxiety around speaking is our feeling that we must be perfect. That we cannot make any mistakes. That just being ourselves is not good enough. But how can we relax and be comfortable speaking if we are trying to be more than who we are?
The way many people try to guarantee perfection is by reading their talk, memorizing a script, or using densely worded slides that they read from. Each of these strategies, though, is deadly for the audience.
What would it be like, instead, to simply think of speaking naturally, off the cuff, warts and all? How much easier that would be. And so much more fun for you AND your audience!
Carolina spoke about how important it was to truly connect with her audience. She feels that what is truly gratifying about her singing is that she is doing a social service. That if through listening to her sing, people find themselves transported into a different, more emotional realm, even if only for five minutes, she has added value to their lives.
She also spoke about how every live performance is a dialogue between her and her audience. It’s so much more difficult to sing to a non-responsive audience than to an audience who is clearly engaged and involved in the music. And that, in part, this dialogue happens when the artist is not playing or singing just for themselves, but is most concerned with reaching out and touching each person in the audience through their music.
Public speaking fear arises when we are so focused on ourselves that we forget that we are speaking to be of service to our audience. I call this the “arrows in” position. We become preoccupied with not making mistakes, remembering our content, and concern with how our audience might perceive us.
What if, instead, we were to turn our arrows out and became less self-absorbed? What if we thought of our presentation as a conversation, or a dialogue, between ourselves and our audience (even if we are the only one speaking)? What if we focused on how we could be of service to our audience?
As the conversation expanded, we also talked about the role of the audience. The entire table talked about how much more interesting a performance is when as the audience we feel connected to the human being who is the artist. It can be so helpful to have a conversation with the artist before or after a performance, to get the back story, to learn more about them as people. As Carolina pointed out, this is the reason the tabloid newspapers do so well. I also think this is why movie DVDs have the special features at the end that can add such an interesting human dimension to the actors and the process of creating the movie.
Except possibly in politics, where everything has become so distorted by the media, I believe that the more human we can be as speakers and the more we turn our arrows out by focusing on how we can be of service to the audience, the more our audience will align with us and be engaged with our content. And, the more meaningful it will be for everyone!
Openings… The biggest stumbling block
December 16, 2009
“The first few moments of a presentation always terrify me.”
“I know my subject really well and know what I want to say, I just don’t know how to get started.”
“If the first few minutes go well, then I relax for the rest of the talk.”
Statements like these are almost universal. It seems that for almost everyone, how they open a talk causes a great deal of anxiety.
And, when you think of it, these first few moments are daunting. As presenters, we have to accomplish several important tasks very quickly. We have to relax, establish our credibility, engage our audience, and introduce our topic. We have to overcome whatever inertia the audience is feeling having come from some other activity and mental focus. And, we have to do all this despite whatever level of anxiety we have been experiencing building up to the presentation.
In general, jumping right into your talk is preferable to starting with what I call “fluff”; eg., “My name is…” or “Thank you for inviting me to speak…” or “I’m delighted to be here today…” None of these opening gambits will grab your audience nor will they help you relax as a speaker.
In my work with private clients, I’ve found that once we’ve thought through the opening of a talk, everything else begins to fall into place. And for each person, the opening might be different.
For some people a good opening might be to plant their feet before they begin and to feel their ground. For others, it might be to begin talking while walking up to the front of the room. For still others, standing silently to help them connect with the audience before speaking might be the perfect approach. Personal stories often help loosen up both the speaker and the audience. Humor is good for some people, but not for others.
Regardless of the approach, if you’re feeling anxious about a presentation, then what you do to open your talk should especially be designed to help you relax, and as you do so your audience will come along. The rest of the talk can then be for the audience, but the opening is for you. Openings are your opportunity to move from “arrows in” to “arrows out” and to set the tone for your “conversation” with the audience. Ironically, by taking care of yourself, you will also be more successful in engaging the audience.
The yoga of public speaking
December 16, 2009
I’ve been a yoga practitioner for more than 20 years. At one time I taught yoga. I now take every opportunity I can to study with different yoga teachers from different traditions. I do so to expand my experience of myself and to extend my ability to return to a state of inner quiet while stretching myself into new physical realms.
Recently I was in a vigorous yoga class in which we were practicing a number of strenuous postures in a series of flows, never stopping to rest between flows. What I was most struck with was how quiet my mind was and how steady my focus even when attempting to do some very difficult (for me) postures. And, this seemed true for everyone else in the room. There was no huffing and puffing, no groaning, no expressions of exasperation.
In short there was no drama in the class but a clear and quiet sense of purpose and a set of inquiring minds. We all worked at whatever level was possible for us in a state of equanimity. At least, that’s how it seemed to me.
And, because equanimity feels like the optimal state of mind when we speak, I often refer back to my experiences in yoga when I coach my clients. The question is always how do we steady our thoughts, quiet our hearts and speak with clarity and purpose when engaged in something that often feels stressful, difficult, and unsettling? How do we apply these principles of equanimity discovered in a strenuous yoga practice to the highly activating experience of speaking in public?
Here are a few yoga based principles that I’ve discovered can be applied easily to the stress of public speaking that help me to steady my mind, calm my heart and communicate with clarity and purpose:
- Slow down my breathing so that my attention stays in the present moment and my thoughts (and heart) stop racing. This, then, gives me much greater access to what I know I want to say and allows me more space to make choices and decisions on how to respond to what’s happening in the moment.
- Feel my ground. Become aware of the nuances of my physical experience so that I can be more holistically present to myself, my content and my audience. Let those points of contact calm me down by feeling rooted.
- Get out of my own way. Notice when the fear arises, and return to my breathing. Attend to physical sensations rather than emotional ones.
- Stay curious not critical. I had a yoga teacher once say, “Don’t let ambition replace curiosity.” If I stay curious and open to discovery when I speak rather than trying to be perfect, I feel more alive and engaged. If I’m continuing to find fault with what I do, then I’ll amplify my anxiety.
If we approach a speaking event with the same kind and gentle attitude that we approach a vigorous yoga class, we have the opportunity, then, to speak with equanimity and clarity.
“What do I do with my hands when I speak?”
November 7, 2009
I was having an important conversation with my daughter this week when I became very aware that I was not connecting at all with her. We were standing by a car and I couldn’t find a relaxed, comfortable position. So instead of really listening to what she was saying, I was focused on where I should put my arms and how I should stand to be comfortable. In doing so, I felt separate from her and removed from the conversation.
So often when I’m coaching people to be more comfortable when they speaking, they ask me, “what should I do with my hands?”. Interesting that this is such a universal concern! My response is that we can’t choreograph our movements ahead of time and that the most natural neutral stance is with our arms down by our side allowing natural gestures to arise in the moment, while also eliminating distracting, unconscious, repetitive movements.
But focusing on our arms and hands will increase our self-consciousness which, in turn, leads to feeling less confident. It’s really superfluous and not central to what we want to accomplish. Instead, we need to bring our attention back to our core, our center – to be conscious of self as opposed to self-conscious – and to speak from there.
So instead of thinking about what do to with your hands, try these three levels of awareness:
- Feel your feet solidly on the ground. Find your roots.
- From that grounded place bring your awareness to your belly, your core, to center yourself.
- Then become aware of your back body, your spine, as you bring your attention to your audience. This will open you up to an expanded sense of the space around you,your place in it, and the people in your audience.
As you speak, your arms and hands then become like branches in a tree. They are still when there’s no breeze and move gently when the currents of the air (or the subject matter) move them.
Speaking with both feet on the ground
November 7, 2009
Several weeks ago I gave a workshop on this topic with the intention of, for the first time, beginning to clarify what I mean by the phrase “embodied presence”. Here is some of the thinking that went into the workshop.
Where we put our attention, that’s where energy goes. This is probably the core principle of embodied presence. When we are anxious all our attention is focused on the thoughts that are fueling the fires of the anxiety. All our energy is concentrated in our minds, and we end up having an “out of body” experience. This is especially true when the fear of public speaking flares up.
If we can divert our attention, even for a moment, away from all that thinking, we can then lessen the experience of anxiety. The best way that I know of to change the direction of energy is to fully occupy ourselves, to be more aware of all of our experience as physical beings, not just thinking beings. This means to drop our awareness down into our physical experience: feeling our feet on the ground, coming into our center of energy in our bellies, staying loose and easy, noticing physical sensations. All these practices serve to divert energy away from anxious thoughts and bring us more fully present in the moment.
There is a difference between self-consciousness and consciousness of self. When we are self-conscious, all our attention is focused on our concerns about how we look and how people will respond to us. When we are conscious of ourselves, our focus has dropped into a more holistic sense of self which, paradoxically, frees us up to be more available to others. When we speak, then, we can focus more on how we can be of service to our audience, rather focusing entirely on how we will be of service to ourselves.
I have found that yoga, tai chi, authentic movement and meditation are all practices that help me stay present in my body. And, I use these practices to help the people in my courses speak “with both feet on the ground”.
Self-consciousness vs. Presence
October 30, 2009
In response to David’s comment to my last post about fear arising not at the beginning of a talk but rather 3 or 4 minutes into the talk, I thought I’d share the first article in a 26 week article series I’ve written entitled The ABCs of Presence in Speaking, Leading, and Life! This first article explores the what happens when we become self-conscious and compares it with presence. Here’s the article:
A is for… Arrows of Attention
Recently I had the privilege of watching a lovely young woman at her high school graduation party as she performed a modern dance she had choreographed. A living room had been cleared and we were all sitting and standing within five feet of her “stage.” Not an easy place to perform because the scrutiny was so close!
She was quite remarkable and maintained a strong connection with her movement, the music and the emotional tone of the dance throughout her performance. Only occasionally did I notice that she became self-conscious and in those brief moments, the sense of presence I experienced dropped away, and instead I saw a young woman feeling a bit awkward.
This was fascinating for me because it so clearly marked the distinction between self-consciousness and presence. When we are self-conscious, when the direction, or arrows, of attention are directed towards ourselves, we often feel awkward, clumsy, and we feel a sense of separation from the outside world. When we are really present, we are fully engaged in the activity of the moment, our arrows of attention are directed away from our ego, and we no longer feel separate, alone, afraid.
This is especially true when we speak in public. So often, we become self-absorbed and fearful about looking inept, making mistakes or forgetting what we planned to say. If, instead, we turn our arrows of awareness towards the people in our audience, becoming open to receiving them, and being genuinely curious about them, we lose that self-consciousness and drop into a shared place with our audience that better serves them (and ourselves).
A is for… Arrows of Attention
Recently I had the privilege of watching a lovely young woman at her high school graduation party as she performed a modern dance she had choreographed. A living room had been cleared and we were all sitting and standing within five feet of her “stage.” Not an easy place to perform because the scrutiny was so close!
She was quite remarkable and maintained a strong connection with her movement, the music and the emotional tone of the dance throughout her performance. Only occasionally did I notice that she became self-conscious and in those brief moments, the sense of presence I experienced dropped away, and instead I saw a young woman feeling a bit awkward.
This was fascinating for me because it so clearly marked the distinction between self-consciousness and presence. When we are self-conscious, when the direction, or arrows, of attention are directed towards ourselves, we often feel awkward, clumsy, and we feel a sense of separation from the outside world. When we are really present, we are fully engaged in the activity of the moment, our arrows of attention are directed away from our ego, and we no longer feel separate, alone, afraid.
This is especially true when we speak in public. So often, we become self-absorbed and fearful about looking inept, making mistakes or forgetting what we planned to say. If, instead, we turn our arrows of awareness towards the people in our audience, becoming open to receiving them, and being genuinely curious about them, we lose that self-consciousness and drop into a shared place with our audience that better serves them (and ourselves).
Fear of the first few minutes in public speaking
September 29, 2009
I swim for exercise. I swim in pools that are kept relatively cool so that lap swimmers don’t overheat when they work up a “sweat”.
This means that it’s always hard to get into the pool at the beginning of my swim. Once I’ve been in the water for even one lap, the chill wears off and the temperature feels fine, but the anticipation of diving into cold water always makes it hard.
I’ve found that I’m much better off just not thinking about the water temperature ahead of time. This is especially true as I’m getting ready to leave home on a cold and snowy winter morning because I’ll never get to the pool if I think at all about the cold water awaiting me.
Transitions are always hard. Getting into the cold water is one example. Moving from one project to the next is another. Arriving at a party is another. And, starting a presentation is classic!
Probably the most common statement I get from my public speaking clients is “If I can just get over the first few minutes I’m fine.” Most often, it’s the accumulated anxiety in anticipation of a presentation and the surge of nervous adrenalin when we first get up to speak that make those first few moments so miserable. In fact, many highly capable and talented people opt out of important speaking engagements simply because they dread those first few moments.
It helps to look at these moments from the perspective of transitions. In fact, our brains are designed to automatically become more alert when we move from the status quo, what is known and comfortable, into a new situation.
This is because it’s in those moments that the most primitive structures in the brain must determine if our survival is at stake. If danger is detected, signals get sent that trigger the fight, flight, freeze or appease response and we experience the sweaty palms, rapid heart, and racing thoughts that so often characterize the fear of public speaking. But if it seems that we are safe, there’s no threat, then essentially that primitive brain goes back to sleep and we can go on with our business without interference.
This entire sequence of events is engaged whenever we encounter a moment of transition. And, if we can simply take the process in stride, recognizing that it’s a natural part of our reaction to change, we then simply ride the waves of the anxiety without getting too attached to the feelings, knowing that it will eventually pass.
The problem for many speakers is that they mistake this heightened state of alertness for fear. And, fear begets more fear, feeding off itself, until it becomes intolerable.
To a certain extent, getting over the fear of public speaking is really about getting out of our own way and staying in the present moment.
When I get ready to go swimming I don’t focus on the temperature of the water. I do focus on how much I enjoy swimming and how good the water feels by about the third lap. Then I stay in the present moment. I just take one step at a time. I take the shower to wash off before going to the pool’s edge. I put on my bathing cap. I put on my goggles. And, then just as I put my legs in the water I jump in. I don’t linger, giving the fear its head. Instead, I just go. The first length is cold, but then I start to feel my stride (or stroke) and I’m in the flow and loving the water.
The same is true with public speaking. Instead of putting our attention on our fear and all that can go wrong, we focus on the key message we want to make and why it’s important. We then stay present with what’s happening in the moment. We say hello to people as we enter the room. We focus on the person announcing us. We feel our feet on the ground. Whenever we feel anxious, we simply take whatever next step is upon us. We don’t let the anxiety take control of us. We simply say to ourselves…. “Ah… there you are, just as I expected.” And we don’t attach to it. We don’t give it power. And, as we begin to speak, and settle into the rhythm of our interaction with the audience, the anxiety begins to diminish, eventually melting away, leaving us to fully enjoy our time in front of the group.
The “less is more” approach to public speaking
April 5, 2009
I am moving! My new home is about one quarter the size of my current home. This is a conscious choice for me as I have begun to realize that the only way we can truly impact our ever growing environmental crisis is to make a much smaller footprint on the planet. And, I have discovered in the past year that a “less is more” approach to living brings me considerable joy!
This process of packing, though, is not an easy one. As I prepare to pack each item, I have to make a decision. Does it come with me, or do I have to find a new home for it? I have many things that have been in my life for a long time. They are important to me. But are they essential? That’s the question I have to ask as I pack. And, if I bring too much stuff with me, there’ll be no space for me to enjoy myself. (There’s a great video by Annie Leonard called the Story of Stuff which is very worth watching!).
In my work as a public speaking presence coach I’ve found that my clients often confront the same issues. Most people feel like they won’t be doing their jobs as speakers if they don’t cram everything they know into their talk… if they don’t fill their time with words… if they don’t provide every single piece of useful information on a slide show.
I would say that the bulk of my work with clients is helping them discover the value of “less is more”.
We begin by discovering the value of silence, learning to be comfortable with pausing so that we can give ourselves a chance to regroup and our audience a chance to take in what we’ve said.
We then focus our attention on the core message. What is it that we want our audience to leave with? Once we have real clarity on that message, we then identify the minimal number of key points we need to speak about in order for them to fully get what we want them to take away. In this process, we often have to let go of many of our favorite stories or much of the detail that we are deeply attached to.
Finally, for those clients who use slides in their presentations, we spend a considerable amount of time eliminating the number of slides and the density of information on each slide. (I’ve written an article on the misuse of PowerPoint called Wake Me When It’s Over! which addresses many of the problems that poorly designed slides shows create.)
One of the many reasons to ruthlessly eliminate information in our slide shows is because too much information on a slide makes it very difficult for our audience to know what to focus on. Should they read the slide (thereby not listen to us) or should they listen to us (thereby not read the slides)? Most of the time, they do neither well and so don’t fully get the message.
As speakers, we need to make it easy for the audience to know where to focus their attention. So, the important question to ask is, what should appear on the slide that will truly support my message? And, we eliminate everything else (if it’s information that you think they need to have in written form, then create a separate document as a handout).
The process of sorting through everything you could say, letting go of most of it, and staying committed to what’s most essential will make it so much easier for your audience to truly hear your message. And, then you might even find that when you do this, you and your audience will truly enjoy the experience.
(Check out my photo blog, www.revealedpresence.com, where my commitment is to post a photo everyday (either from my archives or from a photo shoot of that day) that reveals the presence of whatever I have focused my camera on!)
Contemplative practices reduce anxiety
April 4, 2009
Several weeks ago, I gave a talk with Dr. Sara Lazar, neuroscientist and researcher at Mass General Hospital, a Harvard teaching hospital. Sara’s research is centered on changes in brain structures that result from meditation and yoga.
Her results are very interesting! Basically they show that regular awareness (or contemplative) practices like yoga and meditation thicken those parts of the brain that have to do with self-awareness, well-being and embodied presence and decrease the size of those parts of the brain that are most active when we feel anxious.
Now, those of us who do any of these practices on a regular basis already know this from experience. Personally, I’ve certainly recognized that after 20 years of meditating, doing yoga and practicing tai chi (another contemplative practice not currently part of Sara’s research), my general state of anxiety has significantly decreased.
This became very clear to me several years ago when I stopped my daily practices for about 3 months because of some health issues. I began to notice that a background level of agitation which had been so present when I was younger was beginning to resurface. It was only then that I realized just how much calmer I had become because of my daily contemplative practices.
A common principle that runs at the core of each of these contemplative practices is “Where we put our attention, that’s where energy flows.” If we become preoccupied with our anxious thoughts, we actually strengthen our anxiety. If, instead, we focus on our breath, the contact we make with the ground, a mantra (a calming phrase), or any other anchor for our attention, we begin to quiet the mind and become more present.
So, how can we apply this understanding to reducing the anxiety that comes from public speaking? I think there are two ways to support ourselves through contemplative practices.
First is to commit to some minimal degree of daily awareness practices. Many of my clients start out with 5 minutes a day of simple meditation (I might do another post some day on developing a meditation practice to support your public speaking). Meditating on a regular basis, even in very short increments like this, can help to calm that sense of floating anxiety that might always be there in the background.
The second is to practice what I call a relational meditation whenever you speak, whether it be at the dinner table with your family, in the check-out line at the grocery store, on a phone call, in a meeting with your colleagues, or in a formal presentation. Rather than focusing on the situational anxiety that can arise in a stressful speaking situation, we focus on our audience, asking ourselves how can we be of service to the people in our audience. In effect, we anchor our attention on the relationship and not on our anxiety. Paradoxically, this can help calm us down, steady us, and help us be more fully present in the moment and responsive to the needs of our audience.
By strengthening our self-awareness through our daily practices, and then regularly anchoring our attention on our audience when we speak , I believe we are actually making changes to the structure of our nervous system that can have a long term impact on our degree of comfort speaking in public.
The Tai Chi concept of Sung
March 28, 2009
This has been an interesting week for me and I think I’ll create separate posts to allow my thinking to develop.
It began on Monday night in my Tai Chi class where we explored the experience of Sung. There is no literal translation for Sung. It seems the closest we can come to it in English is relaxing or sinking. In my mind it has something to do with allowing my weight to drop with gravity while at the same time experiencing the accompanying rebound that comes from fully experiencing the support of the earth. When I do that, I’m no longer “uptight” but rather deeply relaxed, flowing and grounded at the same time.
I’ve often been curious about why it is that when we feel nervous and anxious our muscles try to lift us off the ground, causing us to feel that uptightness. I think it has something to do with all our energy flowing up into the anxious thoughts in our head, the highest point of our physical self. Where we put our attention, that’s where energy flows. So if we’re focused on all our anxious thoughts that are up in our heads, our muscles lift up to meet that energy.
When we feel anxiety speaking in public, that uptightness gets amplified and there’s no sense of being grounded. So, I’m always trying to help people experience Sung when they speak. How can you drop your weight down to the earth? How can you give your weight over to gravity and allow the rebounding, upward flowing energy to happen naturally?
To me this has something to do with learning to trust ourselves and to trust that when we let go, let down, relax, we will have far more access to all of ourselves and consequently far more access to both our audience and the message we want to convey.
(I hope to post the second theme of the week tomorrow.)
